Clinical!

So I had my first ever day of clinical today (much to the dismay of Grant Mac. students, who have to wait until next week!) starting at 7:00 am. My first six weeks of clinical practice will be spent at the South Terrace of the Central Park Lodge Extended Care Complex, found on the South end of the city. For all those who dont know, i live on the north end, so that meant getting up at 5 in the morning! So all bright eyed and bushy tailed and running on pure adrenaline (my soccer game went until 10:30, and i didn't get home until 11) I went in expecting a whole bunch of baby powder smelling seniors wanting to talk about war stories or how many bf's they'd had "back in the day." WOW! Not so much. Very eye opening. On my first day, when greeted with the smell of urine instead of the longed for baby powder, I gave bed baths to several ladies, changed incontinence pads (we were told very early that they're NOT diapers), showered one lady, fed porridge, applied makeup, combed hair, cleaned out bedpans, chose outfits (and jewelery too!), transfered patients, and got lifted by a mechanical lift (very comparable to what the bologna must feel like in a bologna sandwich!). Needless to say, it was a VERY busy day. Among other things, I was extremely discouraged with how life ends. We have a dementia ward in our facility, and it's so sad to see how the mind and the body can change. It is one of my greatest fears to have a fully functioning mind and to be stuck in a body that doesn't work (to me the mind going is alright, because i won't notice). But is aging cruel? I don't know. Sure their skin isn't as smooth or tight as it once was, and they may be, "hanging" a little more than they once were, but these people have all lived lives that are worthy of the beauty of age. And they're all still so full of love, appreciation and laughter. The highlight of my day was when one lady complained "breaking her ass (in an old lady/english accent)" while sitting down on the commoder, which is a portable toilet. Another resident was very ademant that i apply her makeup properly, as she was seeing her "boyfriend" in the dining hall later that day. But at the same time, my heart broke when they had bruises all over them from a bad fall, or when they had to have a bed bath (which is really humilitating). Unfortunately, because of the understaffing the residents may not get as much care as they really deserve (the NA i followed had to wash something like 9ish patients in an hour and was grateful for my help), but i guess that's partially why we're there. Is it possible to have too much compassion when you're a nurse? What if i pour my heart into all of these patients, and then have nothing left. I still don't even know how I'll respond to a death. Don't get me wrong, i'm not questioning the fact that i want to be a nurse, just what type of nurse i want to be.
Anyways, next week we will be assigned our own resident, and will be soley responsible for baths, feeding, changing beds (and other things), clothing them, putting their dentures in, brushing teeth, and the list goes on. I don't have any more expectations (they always seem to be wrong, so i don't see the point anymore), but i do hope that this next adventure teaches me lots!